In my post Finding My Inner Peace, I spoke of my struggle and how I am healing and learning how to be happy. This post is an update to that one...
As I stated in Finding My Inner Peace, I "cleaned house" and cut some toxic people from my life. During this process I analyzed everyone in my life. During my research I discovered an article on Narcissistic Mothers and it described my childhood completely... I grew up with an Narcissistic "Engulfing Mother"! All of a sudden everything made sense!! There was a reason I made the bad choices I did. There was a reason I ended up in an abusive relationship with a man with Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
Now that I know what the root of my issues is, I needed to change it. The cycle is stopping with me...it will not continue! I needed to learn how to change myself so that this viscous cycle stopped. In order to change and grow I had to come to terms with what I had discovered. At first I tried to talk to her about it but every conversation ended up with her either blaming me for everything or trying to make me feel guilty. After trying this for a few months I knew it was time to let go. I had to let go of the pain, the anger, the things that were said to/about me....I just had to let go of everything...including my mother. So in September I completely cut my mother out of my life. Of course she is blaming others for this decision but the decision was all mine. She will never take responsibility for anything. It will always be someone else's fault and therefore I can not continue to deal with it. This has been one of the hardest things I have ever done. I would love to have a mother that was understanding...one that accepted me for me but that just isn't my reality and I will no longer put myself in a toxic situation.
After I cut her out of my life she did the unthinkable...she contacted my abuser. She sided with the man that physically, mentally, and emotionally abused me. When I discovered this, I knew there was no going back. There is no way that this relationship can ever be reconciled. The fact that she couldn't come see me when he beat the shit out of me but decided to become friends with him now spoke VOLUMES about her! There in NOTHING that she could ever say or do that will undo this. Actions speak louder than words and her actions said it all.
I have gone through a lot of emotions the last few months. At times I'm sad...sad that I don't have a mother that I can talk to. Then at other times I'm angry...angry because of the things I went through as a child...angry because I didn't learn about this before now...and just plain angry. And right when I seem to be at peace a package shows up on my door step or I get an email (I blocked her on my phone so she can not contact me). I send the packages back and delete the emails. I just can not do it anymore. I can not put myself or my daughters in this toxic situation.
This has been very hard but I know I will get through it. I know that I will be a better and a stronger person for this. I also know that I will be a better mother because of it. I know that I will make sure that I do not repeat my mother's actions with my children.
The healing process that I have been going through for a while has been very trying and very painful but I refuse to give up. I know that one day I will find my inner peace. I will be to the point where no one can steal my happiness. Until then, I'll just take it one day at a time and remember to just breathe.
For more information on Narcissistic Personality Disorder visit these sites:
Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers
Light, Life, Love, & Laughter After NPD Abuse
Respite from Sociopathic Behavior
Story of a Sociopath
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